Forth Language of the Norsk Force

There are actually four publically accepted language groupings in Norway.

Firstly we have pooko nuiko plokko to get out of the way , Samisk - what the misnomer "Lapps" speak: seems they struggle to find a phrase for "surplus mountain of reindeer meat because it is over priced" however, so they must go to Norsk to ask for more subsidies.

Then we have Bokmål: measured by the book norwegian, really written Danish with a bit of swedish in pronounciation. In Oslo many speak nearly this, but assume some kind of comic impression of a crow " Dææ varr ikka dææ daaa"

Then we have the Norwegian away from Danish and Swedish reign, perhaps nearest Norron or evolved longest, yes that's right Old Norwegian....sorry...erm, new norwegian "Ny Norsk" : much hated by the inhabitants of that geographic arm pit 'Oslo Akershus' who try to avoid learning it and will ignore speakers often like the French ignore the English....Actually the vast geographical majority of land areas speak this, it's just that the parasites with most power always infect the nerve centre of any body.

Both Bokmål and Ny Norsk are approximations, the latter taking larger liberties with vocab' and grammar due to who and how it was lexiconised by....

A much more precise language is however, adhered to by most Norwegians.....Langrennsk.

This is the common word use and semi formal conversations, which are repeated almost ritually between two Norwegians who meet each other on X country skis and care to talk. The ritual involves breaking the ice: if you are them whom shall partake in donning skis, it is customery to ask "good slide today?" as in good forward sliding on skis. The respondent will then answer in some fairly set ways: if they want to terminate the conversation, then a quick, "yes, yes not so bad" or "blinding, totally! " with little eye contact and continue right past #1. However they may decide to share their experiences further: the qeue for this is usually

a) The would be ski-er has the right gear on

b) The would be ski-er looks in need of advice.

So here we segment the society on snobbish verus egalitarian lines: or inverted snobbish.

Very quickly the conversation on the snow and the gliding forward moves to the heart of the matter: Wax, and waxing. More wax than a Manicurists shelf in Rio. You see in order to go forward on the level or uphill, you have to use a grippy wax on the mid part of your ski, and this unfortunetly needs to be

a) re-applied and rubbed down

b) changed in type and consistency for different temperatures and conditions.

Wax has evolved over the years, so now the range of conversation can spread out into discussing the precise type and range of conditions it was found ideal for.

I quite enjoy waxing actually: you do notice the difference in "kick" and glide, you get a nice extra minute or two breather and of course it is a good Ice Breaker, speaking langrennsk breaks down some of the usual Xenophobia here.

Eventually wax subsides into a tube of UHU called "klister" which is bloody awful shit to get off your skis: so much so that many a good pair of skis is destroyed by leaving it on through the summer. It is applied for slippy, wet conditions, usually easter and the end of the season, but right now we have rock hard ice : I am using a lillac coloured wax, well it seems half glue half wax, and rubbing in on every 4km or so to avoid having bloody UHU to chemically scrub off each time.

Now also I feel myself falling into a meta- use of Langrennsk, or actually a sub set of its use, neigh a dialect: "unskyldnings langrennsk" - the language of excusing your performance on wrong choice of wax or the wax going bare on the soles of your skis. I feel myself sliding into this when ever a grand mother goes past me now.