La oss bare være venner!
Lets-just-be-friends....Norwegian style.
For Young men and women out there, LJBF is actually a defeat you should just walk away from, if you are at all romantically interested in him or her. It means two things most often amongst the youinger generations. Firstly that they are not very attracted to you, but prepared to enjoy your Company, and often in this case too they just like the conspicuous attention they are getting after maybe some time being single. Secondly it is a plain and simple, polite brush off. Leave me alone for that type of romanti attention.
Cultural Differences
In Norway women are actually most often a little more direct and will brush you off more assertively and walk away from those situations in which a anglophonic woman would use LJBF. Men in Norway are a little harder to read I would guess, they tend to be a little terse and not show any emotions until they are sure, which is often after a drink fuelled passing over the threshold in outset anyway
. In contrast to many anglophone cultures, as soon as Norsk women even get the slightest feeling a conversation and body Language is going a defined way towards a pass, they are 'rude' enough to be a little, well rude and stop it happening. However the reverse is also true that they can be more forth right about getting to know you on a romantic basis. So there we are at a big advantage , but there is always that 'valued guest in Our country' thing which confuses Things a little as an invanndere, because they may feel they need to be the friendly host and are inquisitive. Very often interpreted incorrectly, especially amongst african men here.
For the Youth Amongst You.......Back Off, Move On!
If you are under 32 then take LJBF as a brush off. At any age though, it is best to qualify it rapidly - there and then, face to face., and Norwegians are honest enough to reply. So say Things like, oh I am sorry I am not Your type, I take it you dont find me attractive? Or are you seeing someone you are romantically involved With? Are you a lesbian? is an old cliche, and harsh bit of repartee but in the right circumstances yes it can be a little naughty and fun, if you have that kind of tone with a girl and come to make a pass at her here.
Qualify Anyway, LJBF May Mean Lets Date Without Stress
Far better in qualifying this at any age, is to ask ok, does this mean then that you would like to get to know me a bit but are interested , or are you just being polite? Or do you really like having male friends? Tell me about Your life and why it may be difficult for you to have a new dating boyfriend now?
Personal Example
The former of these propositions will be a wise route and perhaps I should have used it recently. I have known a girl ( well god voksen dame as they say here) for a good few years and we have always had a Nice neighbourly chat, and she has often, a bit mysterioulsy, asked me to help her With this and that around her house. I have avoided it, because I didnt want a complication or to let someone down, or to get my hopes up for a romance - this is Norway, and she just happens to be a beautiful, interesting and outdoorsy brunette who is more than just my type, she fits the bill to exact five course order! Finally since I am single now, I decided I had time to help her with some woodwork and also maybe hang out With her and get to know her, since I really like her and it is a LONG time since I dated last a girl who was a serious proposition.
After a pass which was not a pass, just lets do some activities together, she ran a mile from me and acted like I had asked her to travel on a "dirty weekend" as we call it in Blighty! Eventually I bumped into her and just had the gall to ask why she was avoiding me. She said straight out " I just want to be friends, I was in doubt on what you wanted" And we have become quite Close pals, but her eyes and actions contradict her LJBF, she looks to me as to be as much in love With me as any of the five other big relationships I have had in life. She is super generous and chatty and smiley and has a kind, long stare at me often.
So I needed to qualify after a few months of nice contact, if this LJBF is actually just let me get to know you better first. Also not in the least , let Your situation change a little so it is more obvious you are not together With Your ex, because you spend so much time With her and stay there often to look after the kids. However now she is pushing me away because well, she can read the signs you know and does not quite want to be put on the spot yet I believe. Alternatively she is being a strict LJBF or wanting to revert to avoiding the embaressment of seeing me in the undefined zone, and wants the Whole thing to disappear back to being a hello once in a while. And indeed that is where we are heading, it is kind of clumsy to keep on being in the friends zone.
A Spark That Never Ignites a Fire in Your Hearts ???
The big risk with saying yes to LJBF is that the spark of attraction is snuffed out, and time to get to know each other in a somewhat awkward half way house of semi dating, does not ignite romance, Rather it blows over. So you need to qualify that reply, and the other person's situation. Perhaps they are secretly dating already, but kind of prefer you? Perhaps they are very hurt from a previous relationship? Perhaps they are busy and just a little exhausted With their career?.
There is more subtlty here too. In Norwegian they just say ' to become in love'. where as of course we always say " fall in love" because on our cultural side of Things, it is a very subjective experience and we are more open to showing Our emotions on the outside. It is a trip wire and a pit trap, we fall into, we maybe dont really want to give up Our gaurd and be vulnerable but we do it. In Norway a lot of women are cooler of temperament and more calculating, Or they appear to be. Given the right guy they too will fall-in-love. Being a hmm, maybe maybe guy is not the right guy usually.
LJBF is Different in Middle Age Here
All this said about walking away from LJBF, here comes the Catch when you are older about this Lets-Just-Be-Friends (jeg vil bare være venner, when we are over say 37. There are thousands of lonely 40 somethimg seperated and single mums in Norway, who put all their time into Three Things - kids, career and training for stuff like Birkebeiner. They have been hurt. Often by an affair, or often that rather cool Norwegian style of relationships prove to be just that, a non chalent sexual partnership on one of the spouse's sides most often the man's. Once sex gives up, often after two kids come on the scene, so does the interest in the other partner. It becomes a very difficult Place to be in love again With Your partner or someone new, because the whole proposition is in doubt. You dear Lover boy, or lover girl, are a Dangerous prospect because once bitten means twice shy! So LJBF can be a saftey Catch before not only YOU move forward but THEY can move forward.
In divorce here as in anglophonic countries, there are the practicalities and the Financial and house work expectations, through to the limits on romantic time together due to Family, job and stupid Flock activities like Birkebeiner. House work is often quoted as the major quarelling point here which leads to break ups, but it is probably just symptomatic of a deterioating relatiionship where (most often the man) has lack of housework used against him as a sparring weapon for a woman to get her other emotional frustration at the lack of romance out on him. It is a viscious circle which leads to break ups, and People Wonder why they broke up over hoovering and making dinner, but in fact they fell apart because they failed to nurture romance With time alone together. In fact they should have forgotten the house work, sent the kids out to the grand parents and gone out to do somethign romantic.
As an aside It is too easy for a woman to have just motherly love and expect a well prepared, spotless nest to live in, in which the man kind of disappears as a domestic Assistant and pay cheque.It is a man's job then to . nurture romance and demand that time to go out, away from the spotless nest, and do fuin Things alone. If like me he was a little lazy and thought all was landed anyway, why bother pushing so much for 'dates', then you will most likely be divorced and wondering about that hoovering. So when New love comes for me, and other divorcees, DONT MOVE IN!!
Back to the meat of the dinner, in some few cases then with middle aged women, and of course in a younger lass too with difficulties in life, LJBF does not just mean let us ALWAYS just be friends.
It is a difficult staging post where you have to get to know them. But it is SO IMPORTANT in outset to qualify LJBF subtely but persistently until you get the answer you definetly need as aliving, emotional being - Is this a qualification period for a potential romance, or no, this is just face value and take it or leave it ?
You are in the lap of the Gods here, and have to consider if it is worth investing time in this person, because you risk losing that romantic spark and that moment you throw yourselves at each other is indefinetly postponed. It can simply go too long in that limbo state, as I have personally maybe experienced.
More from personal experience of late.....
From my side now in fact too much time has gone, and if she did hold a flame for me, it seems like it has flickered and gone out. I was in a zone of being about 90% LJBF for her maybe, I dont know. But it didnt feel right to qaulify it in outset, I was actually jsut wantign to get to know here, but realised when she ran a mile, that in fact I cared about her, really fancied her and could see her as someone I did not want to lose contact with.
Then my rought old, rusty gear Wheels in my heart started rolling round and crashing this big old machine forward and I had to brake up and she helped me too. She has of course given out mixed signals in body Language because she is very unsure, and now she has chosen the safer route to just being good neighbours and I am afraid that this will actually be too tough for me to be bothered With, and I'll either walk away or make a clumsy, drunken pass at her.
Be Prepared to Yeah, Be Just Friends ?
As a good girl friend of mine said to me, if she says LJBF then be absolutely prepared to be just that. She may be Worth waiting for, But what you have to avoid is LJBF in which one of you behaves like you are in a romantic or closer relationship. Then you really are being Cathy's clown, because she isnt interested but likes the attention and help she gets, and of course the Control which is important to these middle aged ladies who have lost Control over a previous relationship.
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So on the positive side of the 10% times when it is more than it is verbalised to be, LJBF can be a rather nice prolonged means of getting to know someone and of flirting over time, and building the bridge to a shy or dammaged person who needs a slow introduction.
But the ground rule for the persuer is play a little hard to get. You should be non exclusive and make that a little Clear. Jealousy is a strong motivator for shy Girls and guys who otherwise wouldnt say boo, because they have come this far getting some attention but risk it not going that way. FOMO too is to be used, making it Clear that some fun situations and activities are out of bounds in the LJBF zone to her.
The acid test though is the hardest ask. Let some time go and cool off into LJBF though, before asking yourself "Can I cope With her (or him) getting a lover?"
If after several months of LJBF, this still makes Your heart strain a little, then it is time to put up or get out I am afraid, you are supressing Your feelings otherwise and this question brings it into the light of day,
A Word of Caution for Ladies Recieving an LJBF
I would say on the reverse side for Ladies here chasing men, that if you give out a romantic advance then you are very unlikely to get an LJBF unless the man is unsure of his sexuality, or in a relaitonship. There are of course situations where a man too will say LJBF because of his life situation, but unfortunetly men will rarely say no to a romantic advance if they are single unless they do not find you attractive. THe other situation they will use this line is the same as for women: you have to see each other again, through social circle, neighbourhood or workplace. Then it is a polite brush off, business as usual. The only thing a girl can do then is to dress provocatively at a party and try and get his attention if she thinks he is shy and being a little stand off and self defensive. It is a Dangerous area for both sexes and has to be taken With the less than just pinch of salt, that 90% of the time it IS a brush off.
As a parting little tool from my Box, I have a little get out of jail free card for you if you have come Down the line a few months or so With a LJBF proposition. This, will get a response from the Lets Just Be Friend proposer, and will help get rid of the unwanted extra attentisions from a persistent persuer on the other side, you are fond of as a pal, but is clearly wanting more. This little card will help you make a veiled but obvious pass, and Clear up any uncertainties without necessarily destroying a Nice friendship or in my case, meanign I have a neighbour who avoids me in the same cul de sac where it is hard to avoid anyone.
" Du, tusen takk for at du bruker så mye tid med meg, det har vært gøy og veldig koselig å bli bedre kjent med deg.
Men kjære venn du må heller bruke litt mer tid å finne en kjæreste og en som ikke er bare en venn. Jeg ser at du har my kjærlighet å gi, og er kanskje klar for et nytt forhold med noen du egentlig finner tiltrekkende.
Du er en flott dame ( /sjekk mann) , morsomt å snakke med, glad i livet , slank og veltrent ...(blah blah what ever is Your true opinion of her or of course him) . Jeg ser det er kanskje tid for deg å komme ut av skallet i den retningen og finner deg en kjæreste"
There you have it. Reverse Pyscholiogy you could say. It demands a reply, either way. It makes it a little obvious that time has run out on LJBF for you, or if in the reverse situation, STOP making passes at me, find someone else for that!
On the other hand it flatters and is an obvious pass to a woman or man who is interested in you, and an obvious BASTA, now you have to make Your mind up, because I am backing Down the energy and time I use on you as being just pals.
