fredag 8. august 2008

Moving on...

Moving out ..playing the games again .

I came into Oslo under a cloud and was not impressed with the welcome apart from at the Uncles which was a nice escape from the daily. Most of august was monsoon after my first week of dry evenings on the bikes. It felt good to have some time alone on a bike but I missed my family.

I was reluctant-- I wanted to work out my trial period before we committed. Late october I started to get bored and felt marginalised. I found it hard to get in and was getting BS management and BS cooperation. The expectation for me to sit down, somehow fit in quietly went astray with the Kari K's dislike for me. It was fairly immedieate in my 'meet the boss' interview. I waffled. I struggled a bit with concentration on detail but struggled more with bending myself to work with marianne. I knew it was up in my review which I seem to remember not being such a shock more a confrontation. Oh- you- tea OUT.

Life went on. Spring came late. I did some career coaching and it used up my spirit to break out and move on. In fact the whole thing only confirmed that I could be an inspirational product manager with leadership abilities. Good at delegating, spinning plates, challenging people. I felt more mature than I had for a long time. A relaxation set in and after the very wet summer was survived by me and the kose klump, I had a sweet little autumn out on my bike and then at the syslab- on the wee city bikes.

Time was running out. I needed a local job and they needed me. I bent myself over. Ouch! But the pain is all theirs now with three sales people to feed and my summer hols and risør trips mostly paid for.

I feel nervous now. Having been chilled after the signing of the new lease, i was then panicing with the move. Dreading it all. Dreading giving up the job, or worse keeoping it going.

I feel like I am giving up security again but we are actually moving to a little society and gonna become part of it. In bergen we had the offentlig sector mentality and a town anonymous enough. Moving to Oschloo was a step further into anonymity and distance, we are also pretty good at isolating ourselves.

Now like the disorganised bits of lego on the floor, the pieced get turned in the fingers and then stuck hard on the base board of the gods. They fall into place, click click. Holiday one, delivered. Chilling out, mission successful. Getting house to solve moving twice- jobs a good one. Holiday 2, 40th celebration - done and dusted. All too fast. Working away, not possible- confirmed. Resignation, written. Removal van , booked.

In some ways I feel like it will be the little town at the end of the world with a bleak winter. But I can't let myself go under a cloud. Nerves over jobs just make we the worry rabit. I'm putting my chin out, walking down there, not scurrying around with my tail in my legs or like my last move with my chin down and teeth ready to bite as I lashed out like a dog in a cage.

I need to let the positivity flow and stop hanging on to stress and misery and anger - it's an addition to some form of normality and status quo that has to be torn apart.

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